Sharing a Meal

Sharing a meal with our family to feed our souls and bodies

The following video (Video of 2.3 minutes) is of an extended family eating a Thanksgiving meal. It is surprising and yet compelling to see them speak to the unconscious patterns and roles that drive most individual’s behaviors. It is dry humor, yet we can see how the same patterns have run within our own families. We see how our behaviors impact others.

FaceBook Video

What could it be like to be more aware of our unconscious thoughts, actions, and emotions – especially in social situations? We are typically only aware of 5-10% of our behaviors. So that means most of what we do internally and behaviorally is unconscious! No wonder we get confused, bogged down in fear, guilt, loss, jealousy and avoidance dramas.

When we have played out the same roles over and over again, it can be really difficult to create changes in attitude, behavior and response levels. I remember struggling with a close relative who would anticipate my response based on previous experience and prejudge what she thought I’d say. Her pre-judgement would be substituted for a real response from me. She at times wouldn’t even ask me. She thought, “ What would be the point in talking to you, I already know what you’d say”. Ouch!

So I forced the question, and actually had a different response than she had prescribed. I had been reflecting on the subject and had deeper considerations than she was aware of.

Replaying reactions over and over again keep people stuck in ruts. In these types of situations family members often give up on shifting their experience into a higher, more satisfying and nourishing situation. Growing up with interactions kept on a surface social level can interfere with developing deeper self- confidence. Support systems in which you could be real emotionally could make a big difference in self- development.

Marriage counselling on an individual level and on a family level can help you break through your ruts and to develop more fully. Processing in a supportive therapeutic can help you get to the deeper root issues that help you create healing and change.

Crystal Clear Energy Medicine
Phone: (250) 852-1580
750 Fortune Dr #32
Kamloops, BC V2B 2L2
http://therapyrightnow.com

Contempt: Is it Fear or Anger?

Dear Corinne:

My wife had been traumatized when I met her. She was very guarded, and our relationship had to be developed on her terms. When life was not up to her expectations she would withdraw and go moody for days or weeks. She holds grudges when she can’t control people, and can be miserable to be around. This behavior has affected me, my children, my parents, my friends.

There is no room to be real, to choose spontaneity, or to have fun. There is certainly no room to confront issues, to resolve problems or to plan a future like a vacation together. I have felt so controlled and have made myself smaller so there could be less risk of freak outs.

When I try to be nice to her, talk to her or anything, I often feel attacked by her. I have been getting sick because of the stress, worried about stepping on the landmines in our home or in her psyche that I might not be aware of. I feel like a hostage. I get that she has been traumatized but I was not the one who did her harm. I get treated like I’m her enemy. Last week, she attacked me, hit me in the head. I don’t feel safe in my own home.

Answer: Wow. Safety has to be put into place immediately! Have a bag packed with your essentials, when you feel your safety is at risk drive yourself to a safe home for the night. Ask ahead of time for support from your family, friends.

When there is public awareness of violence or potential violence, the visibility helps the bully self- monitor. Public accountability really helps. YET, so many times family tries to present an image of social function that covers over the brutality. If there is nothing visible- there is no problem! … WRONG!

After you have had these arrangements, tell your partner that you will no longer tolerate abuse, and that you have arranged for safety, that there are now people watching, and monitoring safety with you.

You can only develop your relationship, and problem solve when both partners feel safe. If you have kids, they need to be safe as well. There are family issues  that can be addressed with marriage counseling Kamloops.

It sounds like there are “Hungry Ghosts” echoes from trauma already experienced that are being triggered. PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can interfere with developing adult levels of coping with social situations. When there has been trauma, your DNA, your cells record the emotion.

The emotion also gets stored in the amygdala in the brain and gets wired with your stress responses. Your wife could probably benefit from grief and loss, working with the trauma triggers so she can create some adult level of stability. I get the image of a hissing kitten, backed into a corner, scared and ready to scratch the eyes out of anybody that could scare her even more.

Traumatized people are harder to love, because they will often project unhealed parts of their lives onto the people that try to love them. It is normal for all of us to seek unconditional love so we can heal. But in cases like this, ongoing professional help can make the difference in coping or not; Anger management Kamloops becomes more of inner child recovery work from trauma.

When Anger is Suppressed

Dear Corinne:

My husband works shift work, would come home all used up, with no energy left for me or our kids. I would do what I could to tend to what he needed, then continue to manage in single mom- mode with the kids, the driving to lessons, the housework, the routines, getting the lunches ready for the kids. I don’t get to say “I’m tired” and collapse.

I made allowances for my husband to have a higher need than me at first, but after years of this, I find my needs are not even on the list. I am angry that I am giving, giving, giving and he is not even aware of what I need. I feel he has taken me for granted. He just expects that I will take care of him and do all of the family caretaker work.

Lately, I get repulsed by my husband. He is selfish. It is all about him. When he does reach for me sexually, I feel he is demanding and I have no desire. I am so hurt that he isn’t aware of me as a person. I can’t respond sexually when there is no emotional connection. He says “I’m too emotional.” How do we get the romance, the connection back into our relationship?

Answer: Your husband sounds like he is self –absorbed. Sounds like he is functioning somewhere on the narcissism scale. Is he the only important one in the relationship? Are you doing all of the work in the relationship? Does all of your energy go to take care of his crisis? Does he take care of your crisis?

Often, the narcissistic partner will behave like an energy vampire, sucking up all of your loving energy but has no energy to reciprocate. Over time you can start to feel depleted, frustrated, and angry. Do negotiated agreements get honored? Do you make win/win agreements that get put into action? This kind of stoked anger cannot be resolved until both partners agree that win/ win solutions are needed, and then put into action –without sabotage.

Narcissistic tendencies can creep up into relationships because of expectations, social training and habit. Strong boundaries and values that both partners need to win are starting points. Marriage counselling can help identify the willingness and capacity for mutuality. Anger issues can be resolved by understanding things better.

Are both partners willing to create safety, and change to meet the problems that are part of your lives? What will it take for both of you to choose love and connection in your relationship? How can you meaningfully connect with your partner and fill up the loneliness you both are feeling? When needs are met, anger dissipates. When mutual joy and love are experienced, there is no need to dominate. When personal needs are being met, growth, personal development can happen. YAY!

We have another article about similar anger issues on our blog..