When Anger is Suppressed

Dear Corinne:

My husband works shift work, would come home all used up, with no energy left for me or our kids. I would do what I could to tend to what he needed, then continue to manage in single mom- mode with the kids, the driving to lessons, the housework, the routines, getting the lunches ready for the kids. I don’t get to say “I’m tired” and collapse.

I made allowances for my husband to have a higher need than me at first, but after years of this, I find my needs are not even on the list. I am angry that I am giving, giving, giving and he is not even aware of what I need. I feel he has taken me for granted. He just expects that I will take care of him and do all of the family caretaker work.

Lately, I get repulsed by my husband. He is selfish. It is all about him. When he does reach for me sexually, I feel he is demanding and I have no desire. I am so hurt that he isn’t aware of me as a person. I can’t respond sexually when there is no emotional connection. He says “I’m too emotional.” How do we get the romance, the connection back into our relationship?

Answer: Your husband sounds like he is self –absorbed. Sounds like he is functioning somewhere on the narcissism scale. Is he the only important one in the relationship? Are you doing all of the work in the relationship? Does all of your energy go to take care of his crisis? Does he take care of your crisis?

Often, the narcissistic partner will behave like an energy vampire, sucking up all of your loving energy but has no energy to reciprocate. Over time you can start to feel depleted, frustrated, and angry. Do negotiated agreements get honored? Do you make win/win agreements that get put into action? This kind of stoked anger cannot be resolved until both partners agree that win/ win solutions are needed, and then put into action –without sabotage.

Narcissistic tendencies can creep up into relationships because of expectations, social training and habit. Strong boundaries and values that both partners need to win are starting points. Marriage counselling can help identify the willingness and capacity for mutuality. Anger issues can be resolved by understanding things better.

Are both partners willing to create safety, and change to meet the problems that are part of your lives? What will it take for both of you to choose love and connection in your relationship? How can you meaningfully connect with your partner and fill up the loneliness you both are feeling? When needs are met, anger dissipates. When mutual joy and love are experienced, there is no need to dominate. When personal needs are being met, growth, personal development can happen. YAY!

We have another article about similar anger issues on our blog..

I Can’t Open my Heart When I Can Only Feel Rage

Dear Corinne:

My partner and I have been having difficulties, power struggles. I swear she has changed since we got married a year ago. She just gets me going, and I have a hard time staying calm. We have had many discussions and nothing has changed.

I have told her that I need to be greeted, then left alone for ½ hour after I get home from a hard day at work. I just need to think and breathe without any demands. But she can’t leave me alone. Instead she starts making demands, then yells at me. The neighbors upstairs hear us yelling, it is embarrassing! It goes downwards from there. At times I just do not want to even come home. I wanted to have a happy home, we were hoping to have children one day. I can’t see that happening!

She says I need to be more emotional, open my heart. The emotions I feel are RAGE– I don’t want to open that up more.

Answer: Looks like no one is getting their needs met in this situation. What would it take for BOTH of you to have a win? Maybe a greeting at the door, a quick check in with each other. Maybe see where the cooking process or particular tasks are at? Check to see what is needed before you go settle into the quiet? Demanding to have your own needs of silence met.

You can read more about anger issues on my google sites website.

Anger Management and Multi-Generational Rage

Dear Corinne:

Last weekend I blew up, it wasn’t pretty. My family is scared of me. I’m scared of myself.

My dad has an anger problem. Really little issues became huge reactions, in no time at all. I grew up watching him, living in the same house.

I remember being scared and hating the freak outs. The insults, the sarcasm, the bullying, the chaos became bigger than everything and everyone else. There was no escape. Even the dog would tremble when dad roared.

I dreaded going home. Unsure if dad would settle down some or if I’d get kicked or slapped or someone else would get beaten up or something get broken. We would walk on egg shells unsure if he would flip out over some behavior or circumstance. If there were alcohol bottles around we knew there was a problem.

I hated my dad at times, and now I find I am just like him. How can I stop this?

angry dad

Corinne’s answer:

Your life sounds out of control and scary. This pattern seems to have been part of your life for a long time now. This looks like a multi-generational pattern.

Doesn’t look like your dad got his needs met, doesn’t look like you are either. I see misuse of personal power, being taught in your lineage. How much does alcohol or substance abuse play a role? There is trauma underneath addiction. Need to get sober and be nonviolent. To work with the trauma, we need to look at communication skills, proper use of personal power at an adult level.

  • Safety needs to be planned for. No victimization to be tolerated.
  • Boundaries and safety agreements need to be put into place. What else needs to happen?
  • There is trauma in narcissistic rages. Unmet needs of childhood need to be dealt with. Fear keeps you from healing.
  • Substance abuse numbs you out, can trap you in the narcissism.
  • Parenting the inner child -who learned to be so scared- needs to be looked at.
  • What are the emotions underneath the anger? Anger is a secondary emotion. Is it fear, threat or loss?
  • How else can you get your human needs met?
  • Are you willing to plug into your heart, feel your emotions and heal the trauma, the pain? You will need to own your experience to be able to shift out of it.
  • Are you willing to become more real and appropriate and fair with your relationships? Do you want your loved ones to be hostages or to be sincere and connected from the heart?
  • Are you willing to become more of yourself in a good way? You can choose life.

Corinne is a Therapeutic Counselor, works with Kamloops Anger Management, Addictions and Relationships.

Crystal Clear Energy Medicine
Phone: (250) 852-1580
750 Fortune Dr #32
Kamloops, BC V2B 2L2
http://therapyrightnow.com