Dear Corinne:
My wife had been traumatized when I met her. She was very guarded, and our relationship had to be developed on her terms. When life was not up to her expectations she would withdraw and go moody for days or weeks. She holds grudges when she can’t control people, and can be miserable to be around. This behavior has affected me, my children, my parents, my friends.
There is no room to be real, to choose spontaneity, or to have fun. There is certainly no room to confront issues, to resolve problems or to plan a future like a vacation together. I have felt so controlled and have made myself smaller so there could be less risk of freak outs.
When I try to be nice to her, talk to her or anything, I often feel attacked by her. I have been getting sick because of the stress, worried about stepping on the landmines in our home or in her psyche that I might not be aware of. I feel like a hostage. I get that she has been traumatized but I was not the one who did her harm. I get treated like I’m her enemy. Last week, she attacked me, hit me in the head. I don’t feel safe in my own home.
Answer: Wow. Safety has to be put into place immediately! Have a bag packed with your essentials, when you feel your safety is at risk drive yourself to a safe home for the night. Ask ahead of time for support from your family, friends.
When there is public awareness of violence or potential violence, the visibility helps the bully self- monitor. Public accountability really helps. YET, so many times family tries to present an image of social function that covers over the brutality. If there is nothing visible- there is no problem! … WRONG!
After you have had these arrangements, tell your partner that you will no longer tolerate abuse, and that you have arranged for safety, that there are now people watching, and monitoring safety with you.
You can only develop your relationship, and problem solve when both partners feel safe. If you have kids, they need to be safe as well. There are family issues that can be addressed with marriage counseling Kamloops.
It sounds like there are “Hungry Ghosts” echoes from trauma already experienced that are being triggered. PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can interfere with developing adult levels of coping with social situations. When there has been trauma, your DNA, your cells record the emotion.
The emotion also gets stored in the amygdala in the brain and gets wired with your stress responses. Your wife could probably benefit from grief and loss, working with the trauma triggers so she can create some adult level of stability. I get the image of a hissing kitten, backed into a corner, scared and ready to scratch the eyes out of anybody that could scare her even more.
Traumatized people are harder to love, because they will often project unhealed parts of their lives onto the people that try to love them. It is normal for all of us to seek unconditional love so we can heal. But in cases like this, ongoing professional help can make the difference in coping or not; Anger management Kamloops becomes more of inner child recovery work from trauma.
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