Anger Management and Multi-Generational Rage

Dear Corinne:

Last weekend I blew up, it wasn’t pretty. My family is scared of me. I’m scared of myself.

My dad has an anger problem. Really little issues became huge reactions, in no time at all. I grew up watching him, living in the same house.

I remember being scared and hating the freak outs. The insults, the sarcasm, the bullying, the chaos became bigger than everything and everyone else. There was no escape. Even the dog would tremble when dad roared.

I dreaded going home. Unsure if dad would settle down some or if I’d get kicked or slapped or someone else would get beaten up or something get broken. We would walk on egg shells unsure if he would flip out over some behavior or circumstance. If there were alcohol bottles around we knew there was a problem.

I hated my dad at times, and now I find I am just like him. How can I stop this?

angry dad

Corinne’s answer:

Your life sounds out of control and scary. This pattern seems to have been part of your life for a long time now. This looks like a multi-generational pattern.

Doesn’t look like your dad got his needs met, doesn’t look like you are either. I see misuse of personal power, being taught in your lineage. How much does alcohol or substance abuse play a role? There is trauma underneath addiction. Need to get sober and be nonviolent. To work with the trauma, we need to look at communication skills, proper use of personal power at an adult level.

  • Safety needs to be planned for. No victimization to be tolerated.
  • Boundaries and safety agreements need to be put into place. What else needs to happen?
  • There is trauma in narcissistic rages. Unmet needs of childhood need to be dealt with. Fear keeps you from healing.
  • Substance abuse numbs you out, can trap you in the narcissism.
  • Parenting the inner child -who learned to be so scared- needs to be looked at.
  • What are the emotions underneath the anger? Anger is a secondary emotion. Is it fear, threat or loss?
  • How else can you get your human needs met?
  • Are you willing to plug into your heart, feel your emotions and heal the trauma, the pain? You will need to own your experience to be able to shift out of it.
  • Are you willing to become more real and appropriate and fair with your relationships? Do you want your loved ones to be hostages or to be sincere and connected from the heart?
  • Are you willing to become more of yourself in a good way? You can choose life.

Corinne is a Therapeutic Counselor, works with Kamloops Anger Management, Addictions and Relationships.

Crystal Clear Energy Medicine
Phone: (250) 852-1580
750 Fortune Dr #32
Kamloops, BC V2B 2L2